i think making these websites look all nice and cool is a little bit of a waste of time. i don't know, i've never been bothered with pretty things. if i ever did bother to look cool or care about how i dress or the way my room looks it was for social attention, probably. i'm very much driven by a desire for social connection. social, not emotional. i love a good conversation but usually i get uneasy when they start insinuating some sort of friendship or relationship between us. another thing that i do which is driven by a desire for social connection or the deire to be liked is how i talk. i don't try to hide anything; i will communicate everything that i'm thinking openly, and that includes the fact that my way of speaking is usually very uncomfortable. i prefer to not convey a tone because it's too much work, but when i'm messaging my friends i will always try to show how i feel or atleast match their level of emotion. i would like to restart my whole social life and build a persona for myself that is who i am comfortable with being. it's not like i hate how i am or anything. i like that people like me, or atleast i think they do. i'm sort of insecure. despite all of this talk about how i thrive off of social connection, i'm a little bit scared of it. especially in real life. i never ever want to talk to people in public, i hate the sound of my own voice and i hate the sound of theirs even more. i want to spend my time alone in a field with the sun beaming down on me, and i don't want to see any people. i wish i could survive on my own. i probably could if i was more productive, but essentially how i live is i spend part of my day or week doing something cool, like walking around in nature, and then i get home and have nothing to do so i get on discord and bother my friends. i'm not sure if they're my friends. i think i have one friend, and the rest are just acquaintances. i wouldn't consider anyone i've met on discord a close friend. my two close friends are my sister and a friend from school, but i barely ever go to school so mostly my sister. embarrassing!
i'm starting to think that most people and things around me are sent by the goverment. i don't want to seem like one of those crazy schizos that think they're being gangstalked, but i might be. probably not physically gangstalked but they're definitely tracking my online activity and sending things my way. they want to feed my false information and lead me away from my beliefs or convince me that i'm something i'm not. this is going to be incredibly difficult, but i think i'll manage to hold my anchors down. i will defeat yaldabaoth, it is the purpose of my soul. the divine spark inside of me contains something unique to me, like all divine sparks, but my unique purpose and passion is to kill him. my divine spark has fused with the energy of my soul, creating a sort of all-powerful immortal hybrid soul which cannot and will not rest until yaldabaoth is dead. my physical body is not fit for this burden. my physical body is not me at all. my thoughts have nothing to do with my soul in terms of them being similar entities. a better way to put it is that my thoughts are a direct cause of my soul's fixation and do not influence the soul. my soul especially takes over my thoughts when i get emotional. i rarely ever get really irritated about the way someone has treated me or someone else's ignorance if it doesn't physically affect me, but i often feel intense emotions sitrring when i can recognise someone as an agent or victim of yaldabaoth. the way that i would spot a victim is someone who mindlessly believes everything that they are told, especially about the government and science. a victim might think that they're enlightened because of minor distrust in the government, but if they are not on the level of spiritual contemplation then they still have a subconscious herd mentality, and thus are in the grip of yaldy. note that i am not strictly gnostic, my core belief is the idea that yaldabaoth is evil and created a false realm (earth), and god is good and created a true realm (the heavens/spiritual realm), but i have many other adverse ideas that can be contradictory to this. i believe that i can directly decide the fate of the world and cosmic law, and so can everyone else, because cosmic law is divinity. all humans hav a divine spark which can be used to decide and create cosmic law, which is why yaldabaoth is so hyperfocused on distracting us from that just long enough for the serpents to create harvesting technology through falsely good-willed commune with benevolent gods. the only way that these gods did not realise their intentions is because yaldabaoth put a veil on their knowledge temporarily, which he has the ability to do to anyone through different means. that is why most of humanity has not woken up yet. there is a symbiotic effort between the false god and the serpents of earth to harvest our divine spirit, for it will benefit them both equally.